The Future

A new report has revealed that over 51% of Under 18s (52%) do not read newspapers.

Consequentially when asked who Vince Cable was 69% of Under 18s answered ‘1970s Porn Star’.

The report, commissioned by The Telegraph, was not well received; hardly anyone read it in the newspapers after it was originally published.

But after the findings were Retweeted by Stephen Fry the cold potato was heated to a wider audience.

Stephen Fry’s Tweets were simultaneously Retweeted by both Caitlan Moran and Lauren Laverne – a process known as ‘Stweeting’. ‘Stweeting’ refers to the process of celebrities who are cool (‘or ‘Street’) on Twitter (therefore ‘Stweet’) popularising things. The term was first coined by Jonathan Ross before he became irrelevant in 2011.

As a result of this news it has today been decided by Parliament to start teaching tomorrow’s news today as part of the National Curriculum in a new Humanities subject called ‘Future’.

Here are some reported elements of the new syllabus:

  • The Fall Of London In 2021

The City is declared bankrupt as UK unemployment reaches 23.51 million (a Personal Best and new British Record). A generation was inspired to give up on education, knowledge and pragmatism in pursuit of jumping further than Greg Rutherford. Sickness is rife as over 5 million people, each with calf muscles tighter than a Croydon Facelift, remain untreated because the defunct Velodrome isn’t a hospital.  1 in 3 children fail to reach the age of 13 as Athlete’s Foot ravages the population. In turn there is a dearth in potential new champions and the middle-aged are forced to continue running and running and running and running.  George Spiggott has now circumnavigated Clapham Common 16,643 times in a row.  George Spiggott has been propositioned unsuccessfully 16, 642 times. On the plus side, no-one is obese.

  • The End Of Poverty In 2024

Following Scottish Independence and a further 5 years of Coalition rule, the Conservatives recorded a landslide victory in the 2020 General Election (sponsored by Tesco’s) under the slogan ‘You Can Run But You Can’t Hide’. After the fall of London in 2021 the Government relocated the Capital to somewhere in Cambridge before ending Poverty by ignoring it.

  • The Dark Ages 2027

By 2026 every town in England had reached their full Tesco’s capacity (1 Superstore, 2 Express Stores and 1 Petrol Garage). This forced the Minister For Tesco’s consented to outline plans to build a Tesco’s on the Sun. Arthur Downs of Downs & Sons Sun Butchers launched a fierce legal case against the Supermarket, claiming that his Sun business had been hotting up for some time and that the increased competition would detriment local amenity. Final consent was granted on the condition that the Sun Tesco’s couldn’t sell alcohol before 11am. In the event the new Tesco’s blocked so much of the Sun that no-one is quite sure when 11a, actually is.



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